 o one wants to get divorced, and in the new economy, no one can afford to. So how are you and your spouse going to survive until the Dow recovers -- with all your limbs intact? Here at Naughty Bride HQ, we suggest it's time to reset the tone for gaming the relationship system, hacking your brain and finding the fun. And it's not just for the rest of your marriage... it's for the rest of your life.
Nevertheless, like a re-marriage in midlife, our midstream shift away from wedding etiquette represents an organizational challenge. We still host a mix of bridal content via the pretty pink menu on the left, but we also host The Naughty Bride's Secret Blog, below (subscribe here) which whispers naughty suggestions about how to keep your marriage hot (or turn around a cold one), with an occasional unfrilly take on the day's matrimonial matters. But don't trust us, check back often, because you never know what we might spring on you.
The Naughty Bride's
Secret Blog
(okay, it's a blog, not a secret,
so... pretend it's role play)
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Unlike Friday's and Monday's Naughty Groom-ing Suggestions, today's take on turning-on your Naughty Brides doesn't involve role-reversal. It's strictly role play -- and the safest way to introduce such shenanigans if you're new to the sport. Specifically, it involves finding out your Naughty Bride's favorite film seduction scene and then -- secretly -- learning it by heart. This way, you can spring it on her sometime when you're in the mood but she needs a little help switching gears.
If you can't get a straight answer out of your bride about her cinematic seduction secrets, here is an Amazon web list of favorite (but strictly mainstream!) frolick flicks, and a New Yorker collection of scenes with commentary. (For naughtier lists, we'll leave you to Google and your imagination.)
As you begin to recite your Love's favorite scene, it might feel awkward if you think you have to be completely serious -- but the good news is, you don't. (Just don't do it in a sing-song-y mocking tone.) Even if you have to perform your scene with a dash of irony, the echo of this beloved dialogue will fire the same neurons that Brad Pitt or Hugh Jackson do. You'll literally be inside her head -- in a completely new way -- on your way to doing so in your very favorite ways. And that is a Very Naughty Idea. |
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Like a lovely session of marital naughtiness, response to Friday's Naughty Blog has been delightful, breathless and slightly overwhelming. Hoping for more of the same, we here at Naughty HQ have resolved to dedicate ourselves to you Naughty Grooms for a week (at least!) and provide a few more pointers.
It's been said by a Religiously Observant friend that "Orthodox foreplay" was gassing the bride's car without being asked, but here at Naughty HQ we're guessing you'd like a more direct way to revv up your Naughty Brides' engines. Previously, we suggested that Naughty Grooms raid the bridal drawers (and not in the usual way) to borrow some frilly gear for a laugh. Today, we recommend another role-reversal.
If you Grooms ever wished you could come home to a scantily-clad Bride with wine and hors d'oeuvres at the ready, we suggest you show rather than tell her what you mean. Just for a change of pace, what if you got home early to greet HER wearing nothing but an apron and a smile? (Or a suit, or just a tie?) And here's another tip -- instead of ordering-in the appetizers, get out a cookbook, hit a recipe site, or borrow this page from The Naughty Bride's own favorite-restaurant-stolen recipes:
The Naughty Bride's A.O.C.-inspired Killer App
You'll need:
dates -- the thick, gooey ones
great, aged Italian parmesan, cut into slivers about 1/8th inch thick, 1 inch long
pancetta, proscuitto or bacon
Push the pits out the stem end of the dates, or slice them open on one side to remove the pits. Insert the parmesan slivers where the pits ususally go. Roll each date in the pancetta, proscuitto or bacon (if bacon, cut it to size). Skewer each date with a toothpick. Now saute the wrapped dates on medium heat, just until slightly brown -- you'll need to turn them onto each side to do it evenly. Now here's the fun part: taste one -- it should be a wonderful smoky-sweet-salty-cheesy flavor bormb. Serve quite warm, with red wine. Syrah and Pinot Noir do nicely.
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Forgive The Naughty Bride, she's been much too Nice this week, and gotten no Naughty Business done (at least, not here on the page). Luckily, Jack Tweed and pals have been very transgressive lately, so we've got plenty to blog about. The young convict, affianced to Brit TV phenom Jade Goody, (currently bald due to cervical cancer), was photographed heading out for his earlybird stag party, below, since parole curfew is at 7pm in the UK.
That's Tweed in the white lace boyshorts & tshirt bra in the b.g..
The Naughty Bride must admit she's jealous of the brown Cosabella ensemble in front,
but wonders what the awful white socks are about...
It's gotten The Naughty Bride to thinking, we gals usually have all the fun with fab lingerie, pole dancing lessons and getting dolled up for a naughty show. But what of our Naughty Grooms? Men like to Take Action and Solve Problems, and The Naughty Bride is continually buttonholed by her groomy friends as to What Can I Do To Get My Bride To Be Naughtier? Well, the answer is right in front of you, gentlemen. You don't have to get turned on by wearing women's underwear to get Something out of it -- no fetish required -- just the lark of donning your bride's sweet nothings and flashing her a naughty smile should be enough to break the ice. If you're naughty and funny and unpredictable, she'll get the hint. So for our Groom of the Day, four smooches, Babe.  And for that mystery man in Cosabella brown, four more. |
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With so much adornment on even a Nice Bride's agenda, it probably seems superfluous for a Naughty Bride to add to the list. Yet here we are a few months before the June Season and once again we at Naughty HQ find ourselves find perusing the Tatoo'd Brides Gallery at RocknRollBride.com.
There's something about the contrast of innocence and experience that goes beyond Blake and Baudelaire into a deep reach of the bridal psyche.
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Something about the way Mom's beaded lace and this Naughty Bride's skin art echo each other.
Something that refuses to be stamped out with a cookie-cutter, no matter how much they partake of the collective. These Naughty Brides have inscribed a wish to stand out on the largest organ of their bodies, a canvas of flesh that they, and now we, find irresistible (at least until they go all green and fuzzy). Smooches all around, ladies -- and if you cannot bring yourselves to make a permanent mark, there's always the custom temporary tattoo vendors like StrayTats.com!
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Last week was full of unusual bridal news. From bride-napping in Khazakstan, to a two year-old with a strange tooth being "forced" into marrying a dog (per BBC) to alleviate its bad omen, and a North Carolina Starbucks Wedding on Valentine's Day (per Chicago Sun-Times), we here at Naughty HQ had a snootfull. But the big question around the Naughty Espresso pot is not whether it's ok to marry a toddler to a canine (for the tooth's name perhaps?), but what the bride is supposed to call him, afterwards. Is it "Rex," or "Darling?" (Or does she just act like every other wife and tell her DH to keep his paws off her?) Smooches all around.
Our Bride of the Day and her pet/husband, Rex
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The Naughty Bride Says:
The bridal obsession is a rite of passage few brides can avoid. If you as a naughty bride find yourself tempted, it's probably best to embrace the phenomenon, stay within a budget (or more realistically, within double your budget) and console yourself that it could have been worse. If you spend too much you're in good company, and if you don't it'll be useful ammunition in all future financial arguments with your husband. Either way, you win.
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