or

Hors d’Oeuvres for Real Pills

aughty Brides (as well as their Bridesmaids, Mothers of the Bride and other Co-Stars) can forget sewing kits, First Aid kits and smelling salts – every church has them on hand, anyway. The real question on every (naughty) one’s lips is not “Where’s the calamine?” but:

Q. “How much Xanax should I put in a nervous bride’s champagne?”
A. The answer, of course, is that drugs are dangerous and not to be taken without a prescription -- plus it’s very fast-acting, so 1 mg should do it for about two hours.

Drugs and alcohol don’t mix and drinking before driving is a no-no. But as a bride you’ll be traveling via limo on the big day, so there’s room for chemical support if you really, really need it. After all, if there were room for your doctor on the guest list, she’d slip you a pill or two if she knew how close to meltdown you really are. Therefore there’s little reason to refuse a helping hand, especially if it's holding a prescription.

Go easy, at least at first. Trouble is, Xanax (and many other psychotropic medications) makes you “emotionally labile “ (that is, mood-swing-y), so if you’re usually a sloppy drunk, proceed gingerly. You don’t want to spend the entire reception crying into your wedding cake. In fact, Xanax is best reserved for the kind of gal who giggles when she’s tipsy, so ask your bridesmaids how many times you cried at the Bachelorette party before you take it. Any more than twice means a half dose--- and ix-nay on any more champers. If you take the drug, then have the bartender substitute club soda for you, instead of the brut stuff -- you’ll be so blissed-out you won’t care what you’re drinking, anyway. Also, remember that the kind of pill that dissolves under your tongue is even faster acting than a swallowed one. The long-acting formulation can keep a bride loopy all day.

Q. What about the commonly forgotten plight of the maiden aunt? How can she help an otherwise uptight Mother-Of-The-Bride enjoy the shower?
A. Dispensing medicine without a license is illegal, but taken in combination, canapés of 10-20 mg of the flower girl’s Ritalin paired with 5 –1 mg of the maiden aunt’s own Xanax are just the ticket when you want her to say things like “Ooh, look! A spice rack and… NUTMEG!!!”

Q. On the other side of the aisle, when the groom has cold feet, how much “dutch courage” should a best man serve?
A. Responsible people never go through with things they need to be drunk to do, but since you’re just trying to relax, priests recommend an absolute maximum of two shots of alcohol from a hip flask, even for frat boys. If the only thing available is communion wine, administer no more than two glasses. Any more will get biblically ugly if it comes back up. And if whatever you imbibe should make a round trip, aim away from the gal in the white dress.

Q. What about bridal situations that require an extra dose of alertness?
A. Taking someone else’s medication is wrong on so many levels, but during the daytime, stealing 5-10 mg Adderall, or 10-20 mg Ritalin from the ring bearer’s lunch box will keep a bride awake and revved enough to fill out a seating chart and table cards for 200 guests. However, under no circumstances should you double the dose for 400 guests. Why? If a bride or bridesmaid takes more than 30 mg, even at night, she runs the risk of speeding off into hyperspace and distractedly alphabetizing her shoe collection. This is fine, but she’ll look like a zombie in the wedding photos.

Q. What about nervous members of the bridal party?
A. Even for those bridesmaids who may have slept with the groom, anti-anxiety meds max out at dosages like 5-10 mg Valium because the anti-inhibition effects can make you waaaay too loopy if you’re not careful. Indeed, make no toasts under the influence – of anything. For those who are still in love with the groom, 50 mg of anti-depressants like Zoloft, 10 mg Prozac, 20 mg Paxil, 10 mg Celexa will all have an immediate anti-anxiety effect. Similarly, 150 mg Wellbutrin will do the trick, plus it doesn’t have the sexual side effects of many anti-depressants in case you let go of the torch you’re carrying and get lucky with someone else after the reception. However, if you took a handful of varied SSRIs all at once, you wouldn’t get calmer, you’d get buzzy and have an upset stomach, so don’t do that.

Q. What about Opiates like Tylenol-3, Percoset, Percodan, and Vicodin?
A. These drugs are dangerous and unpredictable, especially combined with alcoholic beverages such as champagne, wine, tequila shots or multi-layered shooters such as “Sex On The Beach.” They make some people sleepy, while others can start hallucinating. Neither of these is very pretty at the head table, so the bridal party should avoid them at all costs. If you’ve messed up and already taken them, consider transferring the reception to the waiting room of the closest ER.

There are a few instances in which they must be tolerated, however. If the bride or groom has suffered a recent sports injury, opiates can allow him or her to walk down the aisle without canes or grimaces. The temptation to add alcohol to the mix must be avoided at all costs, however attractive the idea of light hallucinations might be with so many pretty flowers around. Use imagination rather than chemicals to make the beloved look like an angel from heaven, even if it takes longer.

Q. Are there any other drugs the bridal party should avoid?
A. Everyone should avoid nonprescription drugs. Among the prescription variety, there are few psychoactive medications of interest to the bridal party. For instance, The Naughty Bridea has heard that the bipolar sufferer’s drug Buspar has no fun value, as it takes a couple of weeks to do anything. Other drugs do too much. The Naughty Bride's doctor friends insist that even a measly 2 mg Haldol (or similar dose of Atavan) will leave the taker sitting in a corner and drooling. This may be helpful to calm a combative guest who’s slept with both the bride and the groom, though getting him to take it may be difficult unless you put it on a piece of wedding cake and tell him it’s a special “good-luck sprinkle.” People, especially those at a wedding, will eat almost anything for good luck. Otherwise, leave the sitting in a corner and drooling to ancient relatives of the bridal couple.

Helpful Dosage Chart for Irritable Brides